We hate our dog: December 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Phrases that wouldn't have crossed my lips if not for our dog

If not for our dog Sam, I can say with some confidence that the following phrases would not have ever crossed my lips:

Quit sucking your butt!
Get off the cat!
Hurry up and go poop.
Get your nose out of the litter box
Belly scratch?
Hi, Fatty
and
Is that a tampon in your mouth?

Friday, December 18, 2009

Our dog wonders if he humped Tiger Woods

With new allegations of Tiger Woods' sex romps coming out daily, my dog is wondering if *he* also humped Tiger Woods.

Sam is a prolific humper. Few cats, dogs, small children, legs or stuffed animals can escape his grip. He just can't help himself.

So, all I can say is... well... it's not that far-fetched.... mayBE.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Our dog has no sense of style

We hate our dog. He has no sense of style.

All that black and brown together - and if that's not busy enough, then he adds white. And really, the white stripe down the nose? Isn't that a little much?

He has as much fashion sense as a S'more (with way too much marshmallow). C'mon, it's embarrassing.

My cross to bear: Sam - the menace.

Sam the beagle. He sure is cute, but from the moment we picked up our little bundle of beagle puppy from the breeder, he's been nothing but a cause of annoyance, stress and headaches!

'Why don't you just get rid of him?' you may ask.
There are 2 reasons:

1. ) That would be admitting failure. I am what you would call a LOVER OF ALL ANIMALS. I'm the person who volunteers at the cat shelter. I have a soft spot for anything furry, and want to save them all. Plus I fancy myself as having A WAY WITH ANIMALS. They like me, generally. So, for me to have such an annoying dog, that tests my very sanity on a daily basis is really, in my superstitious opinion, a test from the universe. Handing him off to some other poor, unsuspecting family, would be an 'F' on the cosmic bell curve.

2) Which brings me to the second reason I could never get rid of Sam: GUILT. No matter how truthful I am with people about how annoying this dog is-- people just don't believe me. Sam has a way, with his cuteness, of bewitching all unsuspecting passers-by and acquaintances. I try to tell them what a horrible excuse for a pet he is-- how he's a humper that preys on small children and legs --but all they can do is 'pshaw' me, and make kissy faces with the little devil (who, by that time, true to form, is demonstrating my mistrustfulness by putting on the most disgusting show of wriggling and smiling in the most adorable way.) How could I unleash (pun intended) this beast on a poor unsuspecting family that thinks I'm the wretched dog owner with no heart? Once they saw his true nature, I'd be accused of lying or deception... I'd probably end up getting Sam back as a return anyway.

So, here we are: 5 and 1/2 years of butt-sucking sounds and bitten thumbs later, and we still are putting up with him.

Dog obedience? Sure! it works in front of the instructor!
Threatening? He growled and bit.
Ignore bad behavior? Hard to ignore when he's running around the living room with a used tampon in his mouth...
Ignore dog altogether? He won't allow it.
Positive reinforcement? Just makes him think he's even MORE in control.

So, with little left to try, I've decided to start this blog to just rant about my never-ending trials with my dog, Sam.

I'd love to hear your comments and commisserations!
Lynn

We hate our dog